Hold on to your hats, here comes some honesty! And probably incorrect grammar. And maybe some spelling mistakes.
Yeah, I haven’t written a post in three weeks. I have three reviews to write. I’ve missed several Wishlist Wednesdays and Something Else Sundays. I’ve barely glanced at Facebook or Pinterest lately. I’ve only read a handful of bra blog posts over the past few weeks; usually I read at least a handful a day. So what’s my problem?
I’m having a hard time liking my body right now.
A few months ago I wrote a post that basically said that writing this blog has helped me to accept and appreciate my body more. And for the most part, that’s still true. But it’s not true all the time. I’m not some master of body acceptance. My self-esteem isn’t through the roof at the best of times. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes a few bad days in a row here and there, sure, but I usually bounce back up pretty quickly. Recently I haven’t been able to do that.
It started a day or so after my last post. I was working with my husband to get pictures taken for a review of Parfait’s Lola. I ended that little photo shoot in tears before we had even half of the pictures I needed for the post. I just…hated every shot. Hated it. Hated the way my body looked, specifically. Just could not cope with the thought of putting any of those pictures anywhere near the internet. In the moment I was frantic to find a problem with the lighting or the pose or the way my husband was taking the pictures that would explain why I looked so terrible. And I was trying desperately to decide how much digital editing I could do to my body before anyone noticed. Then the realization that I wanted to do that started freaking me out. I usually lightly edit lighting/composition stuff (badly, I’m sure), and I won’t lie and tell you that I’ve never blurred a pimple or cropped a photo so that a body part that was bothering me didn’t show…but I don’t airbrush or slim or anything. For one, I don’t have the skill that would require. More importantly, that level of editing feels like lying. A major part of the reason post picture of me wearing the pieces in the reviews is that I want readers to see what they look like on a “real” person. (I’m not saying models aren’t real people, they obviously are. But let’s not pretend that lingerie advertising isn’t heavily edited.)
Logically, I knew that nothing about the way I looked had changed since the last review I did. But something changed in my mind. And I’m not sure why. I do have a theory, but I could be wrong and it’s not really important why, anyway. The problem isn’t really why this happened, the problem is that it happened at all. At first I assumed I’d be over it by the next day. I’ve had shoots where I don’t love the photos but by the time I sit down to edit them and throw them in a review I’m a lot more okay with them. That didn’t happen this time. I still wasn’t happy with the photos or my body the next day. Or the day after that. Or a week later. To be honest, I’m not super at peace with my body right this minute. So I haven’t blogged because I was waiting to snap out of it. And the more time passed where that wasn’t happening, the more panicked and disappointed with myself I got. Which doesn’t help with self-esteem in general, and that definitely doesn’t help with body image. And I went into avoidance mode. I couldn’t stand looking at myself in my underwear, I didn’t even want to see a picture of a bra. I didn’t want to hear the word bra. Because it reminded me that I was supposed to be blogging, dammit, and I wasn’t.
I…um…I’m not really sure why I’m sharing all of this with you guys. I don’t love the idea of publicly wallowing in my bad feelings. I’m not looking for reassurance about how my body looks; if I gain or lose 100 pounds tomorrow I still want to run this blog exactly as I have been. (Plus, when I’m feeling bad about my body no amount of reassurance is going to help anyway. I won’t believe it.) I understand that my blogging schedule is self-imposed and I’m sure none of you mind if I take a few weeks to get my head straight…but I’m good at feeling guilty. It’s something I fight against all the time. I guess I just want to explain why I haven’t been posting and to let everyone know that I’m not done here. Also, I wanted to put it out there that no, I’m not okay with my body all the time, and that’s alright.
A few days ago I decided to stop stressing about not posting. I’ve been spending my time catching up on TV shows, working on some crochet projects, playing with my kids, doing some light yoga…just in generally doing my best to de-stress and really be in the moment. I think it’s been helping. I’ve calmed down enough to write this post. I think maybe I’m ready to get back in the swing of things, and I think the best way for me to get back into the swing of things is to, well, do so. That Lola review that set this all off? Expect to be reading it by Monday at the absolute latest.